From the Real World, With Love
by ReoPlusOne
Summary: Human AU. Ivan passes away. Arthur copes by writing a diary. Russia/England. TW: self-harm.


_June 7th_

Hello Ivan.

The doctor told me today that it would be best if I started writing again. Frankly I don't give a damn and I'll have you know that I flat-out refused him. But then I thought about it and I realized the last night I wrote anything was three months ago. My desk had dust on it.

So I thought, why not. But don't expect loyalty out of me. I have better things to do than sit here writing a diary like some schoolgirl away at boarding school you know.

_June 14th_

I didn't want to but here I am again. The doctor says I have to write every single day. I'd really rather not but he says it will be useful when I look back after 'the healing process' is over. He throws around that phrase a lot. I don't think there's going to be much of a process to all this.

He says I can start by telling you about my day. So today I woke up and fed your stupid cat. And then it bit me. It's an ungrateful little pissant just like your sister and if I had it my way I'd get rid of the damn thing.

You'd be so angry to hear me say that, I know. So the cat stays for now.

_June 15th_

I _hate _this fucking cat, Ivan. I forgot what silly Russian name you gave it so I'm calling it Shitface. It still comes as long as I shake the box of food. Damn stupid Shitface.

So here I am filling up space space space space space space.

space space space space space space espace space space

I miss you.

_June 16th_

It's way too warm out today. Everyone's in a good mood and I feel like there's some sort of secret I don't know. Not that I care to. But everyone smiles at me and gets pissy when I don't return the favor, like I have to smile, like there's someone nearby who must see me smiling or there will be trouble.

Anyone who wants to have at me for not smiling at them can just do it. I don't care.

_June 17th_

Hot again. I know I should open the windows to keep it from getting stuffy in here but I don't want to. As stupid as it sounds it still smells very nice in here - like those candles you used to burn. But I don't know where you kept them and now I can't find them. I'd love to burn some again, the vanilla smell was a good one.

_June 18th_

Met with the doctor again today, he called me in early to check on my 'progress'. He's keeping a close eye on me since I left the hospital. He wants to see this book but he can go fuck himself, I'm not letting anyone touch this.

Maybe I should write some ominous looking Latin on the top to make anyone who tries to read it think it's cursed.

Anyway, he said that I need to start writing about what happened between us now. I don't really think he understands. He said he's never 'lost a loved one'. A loved one.

That's just a damn stupid way to put it. isn't it? I know you'd agree with me.

_June 19th_

What we had was... There, I said it. He'd better shut up about it now.

This isn't some damn fairytale with a neat beginning and end! How the hell am I supposed to use 'what we had was'? What the hell does it even mean?

_June 20th_

What we had was love I suppose. I've never loved anyone else like that. It doesn't sound right to call it that, like it's unspoken and it needs to remain that way. Of course I loved you. Of course you loved me. There's no question is there? I don't suppose I'll ever know for sure now.

I read an article today. If I can't write I can always read, I suppose. Even the biggest dolts can read a magazine, so I read one. And it said that love is like a drug, and losing it is like experiencing withdrawl.

I guess I'm starting to realize that now. And I'm damn happy I never took up cigarettes, nasty things. Wish I could say the same for my brothers. You know Mark's got lung cancer now?

_June 21st_

You would be so disappointed in me. Picked up a pack of cigarettes at the mart today. They're really really good. There's a reason people kill themselves on these.

And I know now that you'd be standing there when I walked in the door and the damn cat would be sitting beside you with just the same conviction on its face, and you'd ask me 'what are these?' in that pretty accent. And then I'd have to quit. I would have no choice.

You know I don't mind if you come down now. I wouldn't be scared or scream. If you appear for me right now I'll never touch another cigarette for as long as I live.

never again

Alright then.

_June 24th_

I skipped a few days. It's not that I don't want to talk to you. But you know how far the study is from the bedroom. It's a long walk to make.

Shitface tried to get in your spot on the bed yesterday and I hit the fucking thing. It deserved it. I'm allowing it to sleep on your pillow now though. It just seemed too comfortable to move it.

_June 25th_

If you knew what happened today you'd laugh at me. I guess I'll give you a good laugh.

Shitface got outside when I went to pick up all the newspapers (fifteen newspapers, how long have I been ignoring them?) and I followed her. Of course she picked the perfect time. I had those little rabbit slippers you gave me on and all the neighbors saw.

She got attacked by a dog, Ivan. The damn thing just grabbed her out of nowhere. I beat the living hell out of it, if I had more time I would have given the piece of shit chav who owned it the same. But she was running out of time.

I took her to the animal hospital. They removed her front left leg but she's okay. She'll come home tomorrow night. Don't worry about her. She's as stubborn as you are.

Did you know she was a female? I had no idea. The vet gave me a strange look when I said so. It is not easy to tell.

_June 26th_

Safe and sound. Shitface is home again. She needs some bedrest so she got your spot on the bed, just for now. We've been watching telly all day. She really likes Gordon Ramsey.

Did you get a Russian Blue because she reminds you of home?

_June 27th_

The house smells like cigarette smoke. I still can't find your candles so I gave up. Where the hell did you stash them Ivan? Beneath the floorboards?

_June 28th_

I suppose I actually have to go to my appointments...

The doctor wasn't happy with me for skipping. I told him there was a good reason but he didn't believe me.

I have to go up there tomorrow.

_June 29th_

Got back from the doctor today and he said to write more about you.

You are very tall. I know you hear that a lot but it's the truth. And that's why you hate hearing it. People hate hearing the truth, you know, and I'm no exception.

I spent two weeks in the hospital telling everyone you were still here. Alive.

I miss those two weeks, Ivan. Because I believed it. And I hate this page now for having that written on it.

_June 30th_

It's the last day of the month today. I know that because everyone keeps telling me.

Do you hate me for missing your funeral? The doctors offered to let me go for it but my sister told them I shouldn't and I didn't argue with her.

I love arguing with her, I just didn't that time. She deserved a break.

_July 1st_

I should be gaining weight. I lay around in bed all day. I only ever drive to the store for beer and to the doctor's office (because I have to now).

But I'm down to almost 8 stone now. And I think I'm losing more. You would be really upset with me I know.

I'm sorry. You know what for. I don't have to list it.

_July 2nd_

I'm tired Ivan. I'm so tired. I've still got another 50 natural years left on me, but how am I going to live it? I can't leave this damn apartment.

_July 3rd_

Your cat died. I woke up and she was where you used to sleep.

I called the doctor and they're sending an ambulance to pick me up right now. I tried to talk him out of it but he wouldn't listen. He said I'm at risk now.

_July 9th_

They're letting me write now. Even though this is the dullest pencil I've ever seen in my life. I'd bet you I could get it into my skin anyway.

It's cold here Ivan, and white is everywhere. It feels too much like a hospital, but when anyone asks me why I'm here I don't want to tell them. Takes too long to explain.

_July 10th_

My old editors sent me a gift basket today. The nurse let me see it but didn't let me have it. Apparently I'm a howling monkey and I'm going to somehow use a self-help book and a coffee mug to attempt suicide.

Did they think a book and a coffee mug would help? Do they think this is funny?

_July 11th_

So what if I miss you? What's not to miss?

Your eyes were so pretty. Everything about you was endlessly pretty. You had big arms and a strong chin and when you held me and kissed my forehead I felt eternally small. But you held me gently anyway and I didn't mind. I mean I know I fussed but I never really minded. I knew you weren't going to hurt me for god's sake.

_July 12th_

I'm sleeping through the night. They give me this blue pill before bed and I go right out.

I don't think I've slept this well since you were here. I couldn't sleep without your heart beating, always slow. My heartbeat always tried to keep pace but it never could and I always was a little bit faster.

Even when I couldn't sleep just listening to it was enough to make me happy. I don't think you ever thought I'd be enough of a weirdo for something like that but I was.

This diary is turning into a confessional booth.

_July 13th_

Your sister came to visit. All the way from Russia.

You always said she was somewhat maternal but I never thought about it much until she arrived. I thought she was you at first. Can you blame me? She's very tall.

She tried to make me laugh and I tried to laugh. I don't think either of us did a very good job. So instead she told me some stories about you. She said when you were very little you got pneumonia and they thought you were going to die.

I don't know. I think if you were here you could steer me in the right direction. But if you were here I wouldn't be lost at all now would I?

_July 14th_

Psychiatric tests are stupid. But my release date is set for the 19th.

_July 15th_

I read a magazine today. It was about science, it sounds interesting but I'll tell you now that it wasn't.

One article mentioned something called the multiverse theory. It says that there are infinite universes out there and in every one something, any conceivable thing, has been slightly altered. So there's one world where your eyes are green. And one world where I'm actually a woman. And one where you died when you were little, like your sister talked about.

I don't know, I can't really explain it. I told you it was boring.

All I know is that there's a world out there where you died when you were seven and I never really lived at all.

_July 20th_

I bought a pistol today. I don't know what it's called but it's grey and the man at the shop told me it was very safe. He's good at selling things, I'll tell you that. Not very good at reading people.

It's on my bed where the cat was. For whenever I can get up the bloody courage.

I miss you.

_July 21st_

It isn't giving up really. I just want it to stop. Can you blame me?

God, you can never understand. Does anyone?

_July 22nd_

Are you there?

Do you miss me like I miss you?

I hope there's an afterlife. Even if it's Hell and I wander endlessly through a dark forest if I can hear your voice again I'll be happy. Forever. Burning in a pit of lava, so long as you smile at me every now and again I'll be happy.

Yep. That's me.

_July 23rd_

You just had to go didn't you?

I asked you not to go to Russia. I told you it would be stupid and you could always call your sister but you said you had to. I could never convince you when you made your mind up but I tried especially hard that time.

Do you have any idea how much it would have meant to me if you had put it off for my sake? Just gotten on another damn flight the morning after.

You would have never been there. You would be here now.

But you had to go and I never could have stopped you, could I?

_July 24th_

I looked at some of the news articles. One of the reporters mentioned you were the first one shot because you tried to tackle the gunman.

I know there were other hostages Ivan. I know you and I know you just wanted to save them.

You didn't even think of me then, did you? You stupid pig-headed idiot. I'd bet you never even thought of me when you were there. Because if you had you would have thought to sit down and keep your mouth shut and get out of there alive.

You just thought you were a big stupid bear and you could have taken him, easy. Didn't you?

They all say you're a hero. I say you're a moron.

_July 25th_

God I miss you. This house is empty Ivan, I don't know how you could ever stand it when I was away. The walls creak and I jump every time.

_July 26th_

I think this is my last one. My birthday is soon. I'll be 32 but you know that. It's been almost six months since you left on that flight. I even remember you kissing my cheek at 5 in the morning before you went.

I don't want to make it to 32 alone. It doesn't mean anything then.

Maybe it's a bit of a miracle that I made it this long. If I was as stubborn as you I'd last a while longer, but I'm not. I'm just so tired Ivan.

I miss you. But that's alright. Wherever you are I'll be there soon. I love you and I always have.

To those who end up being called:

I'm sorry for the mess.


End file.
